True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
