literally had 100 drinks last night.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
