FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
