Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
