Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
