good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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