I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
