mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
