What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
