We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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