I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
