im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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