paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
