Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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