remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
