so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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