I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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