Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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