awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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