Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
