I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my sisters under your porch take her home
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Randomize
