she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
