you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
