im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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