I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
