I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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