so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
So many bounce houses so little time
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I smell like Dick and happiness
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