this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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