I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
