What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
