Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
