The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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