I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
