highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
