ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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