So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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