I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
