Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
