Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
