in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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