She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
