I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
