He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
