surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She bit a glass in half.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
