i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
