dude i'm inner monologue high
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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