I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I still have a little drunk in my system
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
