Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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