i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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