Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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