Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
