I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
