UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
