Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
