my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
